So things have changed a little bit since my last post.  it's amazing what a little bit of time can do.  you see, i've met this girl who's changed my outlook on everything.  in the past my whole view on relationships has always been about what i could get out of them, how i could make it work, or how everything affected me.  it's different this time, all i can think about with her is how i can help her, make her life easier, or can make her feel loved.  i guess the real difference in everything is that i really care about her, probably even more than i care about myself.  It's kind of a scary feeling.  i mean i've really put everything out there and left myself open to get hurt like i've never experienced before, but really you get to the point where you don't care because the possibilities far overshadow the hurt you could possibly feel.

It's funny because i kind of asked her out on a whim, not really expecting anything.  she also told me later she was just looking to have a little fun.  Then all of that went out the window after like a week and a half.  i can still remember the day that everything changed.  we had had a rather lengthy dicussion where we really learned a lot about each other.  then i was going to leave for the weekend for a wedding (tim G's) and she came by the office in the afternoon to say goodbye.  we ended up just sitting in a chair for about two hours and not really saying anything.  it was pretty amazing.

where will this go? who know but it's good so far.

So according to the great doug martsch love is like a joyride.  I can kind of see where he's coming from on that.  Based on my experience though love is more like seeing a car you would like to take on a joyride, successfully breaking into said car, starting the car, then only to discover that its a manual transmission which you think you can successfully navigate, only to stall out and destroy the transmission.  Maybe thats just me though.

Those were honestly my first thoughts in the wake of my last attempted relationship.  I'm starting to realize that i really dwell upon these issues way too much and thats probably part the struggle.  My problem seems to be that i have never really been in anywhere near a serious relationship.  The whole idea of this unknown entity thats out there has practically driven me crazy.  Lately its like my whole sense of reality has been skewed by the fact that i have not experienced this seemingly mythical ideal.  Its like i'm subconsciously looking for the holy grail.  I've created a self definition based on the fact that i haven't experienced this.  I've been telling myself that there's something wrong with me due to the fact that i haven't had some trivial experience.  Really all that is wrong is my value system.  I've been placing way too much importance on this small aspect of life.  So much so that i have neglected others and worse linked it to others.  So whats the point of this rambling?

the point is that i need to re-center my life.  I need to work from the innermost parts out.  I guess that all needs to start with God who over the last month i've been neglecting more and more.  My half hour devotions have turned into like 45 second prayers.  Then i really need to spend more time with my family.  After that would probably be my friends, not that i have that many, but i'm sure those select few are tired of hearing about my attempted exploits.  And last my dog not that he's not important, but he is a dog.

I also need to create some new guidelines when it comes to females.  I have some ideas but they need some work.  feel free to submit suggestions.  Also, i think a hiatus is in order, something between one and six months.  Hopefully i can figure this out in the next couple days before some vixen catches my eye.

allright thats it for now.

So i haven't written here in a while for a number of reasons. 

First, I really don't have that much to write about. 

B,  I had a really bad week last week (not so much depressing as depressed) and anything i would have written would have shocked even the most pessimistic of beings. 

Fifth, well, I'm lazy. 

So yeah, last week was pretty bad and filled with way too much self pity and self doubt.  Feeling like i was wasting my life. Feeling lonely. and a small part was lamentations over females.  Why is it that the ones who reject you allways seem oh so much more appealing.  (maybe thats just me)  Saturday night was the peak of depression fest 2003, good times.  Then i got better, i really don't know why but i did.  Hopefully it stays that way for a while. 

Anyway, hopefully something exiting happens eventually that i can write about.  but for now i gotta mow.

oh yeah congrats again to bobbo and missi.  i was just waiting for you (bobbo, not missi) and Micah to fly in and give me a good ole wack in the nuts last week.

So yeah, I guess you have to start somewhere.

I got absolutely no sleep last night, but did have the pleasureable experience of laying awake in bed completely tired yet completely unable to sleep. 

I'm starting to realize that i am a pretty shallow person and void of any substance.  Like an empty kiddy pool.